Have you ever finally had some time to yourself, to do what YOU want to do, and find yourself… stuck?
A lot of my clients struggle with figuring out what they actually want to do when they have the time for themselves.
We can work through the self-worth issues, the self-sabotage, the deservingness, but at the end of the day there’s still a skill deficit to work through.
Here’s what I mean:
A lot of us who are now struggling with doing things ‘just for us’ are people who for whatever reason didn’t have the opportunity to listen to that inner voice most of their life.
It was easier (or essential) to pick up on all the external cues.
In fact, there’s probably a good chance that listening to your internal cues would have gotten you into trouble.
Doesn’t matter if it’s fun, we don’t dance in public.
How can you be laying around when this house is such a mess?
Many of us got really good at paying attention to those external cues, and learned to not do anything without one.
Then you get older and realise you deserve to have things you do just for yourself.
But you sit down and try and decide what to do and … kind of freeze.
You maybe can think of a list of choices of things you *could* do – but
What do you WANT to do?
Where’s that internal spark of interest or desire?
It may be hiding, or got blown out by the stormy tempest you grew up in.
Almost everything in life is a skill.
Empathy is a skill.
Fun is a skill.
Anticipating the needs of others is a skill.
If you grew up and the most necessary skill you had to develop was noticing if the energy changed in your house, or anticipating the needs and feelings of your caregivers, or figuring out the ‘right’ way to behave ALL THE TIME…
Then you probably never had much space to develop the skill of ‘what do I want to do?’
There wasn’t any space for you to learn to identify that voice inside of you that wanted to try something for yourself, because you found it fun.
In fact, you may have had to actively tamp down your own preferences in order to keep the peace.
It can be easy to get down on yourself when you struggle to figure out what you want to do for your enjoyment, especially if you’ve spent a lot of time trying to heal your sense of worthiness.
A skill requires practice. It requires time, and reps, and trying things out to see what works.
Build the skill of finding what YOU want to do
Here are some tips for refining / building the skill of enjoying your own time.
This is one of those things that the change comes from the DOING of it.
Yes, these aren’t complicated steps, so hopefully it won’t seem overwhelming to sit down and follow them once or twice a week to build up that skill.
1. Start simple - with a list
Write a list of things you’re pretty sure you like to do.
So, for example let’s say you’ve got:
Go for a walk
Meditate
Go out to dinner
Have a bath
Read my fiction book
Have coffee with a friend
Watch TV
Have a nap
Sit outside
2. Try yes/no
If you’ve worked with me in connecting to your body before, you know the very first questions are yes/no questions.
Often yes/no is easier to feel as an answer than an open-ended or more complicated question.
When we are connecting to the body we’re looking for the answer to come from the body, but here it can come from any part of you.
Look at your list and first remove anything you definitely can’t do right at that moment – like maybe it’s mid-morning so not time for going out to dinner.
Then ask yourself ‘do I want to ‘x’ right now?’ for everything that’s left.
Listen / feel for the yes or no.
3. Rank choices
If you got yes for more than one, start comparing them two at a time.
‘Would I rather meditate or have a bath?’
See which one you feel like doing, and go through all of yours comparing them.
4. Do the thing that wins
This could be a place where old feelings of guilt, or unworthiness, or a feeling of discomfort starts to pop up.
Maybe historically if you were found having a nap in the middle of the afternoon, you’d be told off or called selfish or made to do something ‘productive’ (or worse).
So notice if you have any resistance to doing the thing that won, and do some loving work for yourself.
Remind yourself that you deserve to do things that give you pleasure, that no one is going to come shout at you, and you’re not letting anyone down by prioritising something you enjoy in this moment.
It may be worth making a mental or physical note about this to start and notice if there are patterns around certain activities.
5. Check in once you've started
Let’s say reading a book wins, and you get through any resistance that pops up and actually start doing it.
Get yourself settled and after a few minutes, notice how you feel.
Is there any guilt or shame or some other feeling that’s telling you you shouldn’t be doing it?
Are you realising you actually don’t want to do that but would rather do something else?
Or are you trying to convince yourself to do something less ‘wasteul’ and more productive?
If once you’ve started you genuinely realise you don’t want to do it, give yourself permission to change it.
If it’s the worry / irritation / guilt coming back, remind yourself as per step 4.
6. Practice
The key to improving any skill is repetition, so see how often you can incorporate this into your life.
When you first start, you may find it really hard to tell, so it’s fine to take an educated guess.
The act of trying will make the skill develop, even if you’re not crystal clear on what you want to do.
After a few times, you may find you don’t need to make the list, or you’ll be able to immediately narrow it down to one or two things.
As you get better at it, you may know exactly what you want to do but feel the resistance / guilt / unworthiness piece coming up to convince you not to do it.
Your Turn
Will you try this?
If you do, I’d love to know how you go with it, especially if you’re able to practice it over time.
And if you find old emotions coming up and creating resistance, that is absolutely something I can help with.
Often the experiences that live in our bodies tell us certain things aren’t safe (like taking time for yourself) when it’s really shadows of things we haven’t yet processed out.
Your body can tell you exactly where those things are so we can work with them and make it easier to do the things you want to do.
If that’s something you’re interested in, feel free to check out my offerings page or set up a free 20-minute consultation.
